"The Number 1 Reason Why So Many Boys and Grown Men Surf Porn (and What to Do About It)"

Recently a friend mentioned a blog post he found about the problems men have with porn. He suggested that I would find it both interesting and infuriating, so of course I had to check it out. For the sake of continuity, here is the bulk of the article followed by my response.


The Post

"If you’re honest with yourself and you’re a dude, you’ve surfed porn at some point in your life. I know I have. Maybe it was a phase, maybe you’re still doing it. Do you pay for sites? Just browse the free ones and leave, deleting your cookies and any trace of your porn tracks so no one knows your little secret?

If you ever meet a man who denies surfing porn, I’d call BS on him right then and there. I’ve never met a man who hasn’t surfed porn at least once. What’s the problem with a guy who wants to surf a little porn now and again anyway? Initially, nothing.

In my opinion, nothing is fundamentally wrong with masturbation and your own sexuality, despite what strict religious organizations may tell you. The issue is not masturbation or even surfing porn, although many women might disagree. And for good reason. (The porn industry itself condones the abuse of power men have over women, many porn sites have aggressive imagery, and what the industry teaches or trains us about our sexuality are all important issues that need to be addressed).

I write this post for four reasons:
1. No one talks about it, so let’s go there. Bring on your comments.
2. To help you understand why you hide your porn use and why you feel bad about it.
3. To raise your awareness and help you understand what drives men to porn
4. To take some action in relationship to your porn use

Before we go any further, let’s look at some important, but not surprising porn stats from Tech Crunch in 2007:

* Every second, there are 28,258 people surfing porn
* Every second, $89 is spent on porn
* 266 new porn sites are put on the web daily
* “Sex” is the most searched word on the web
* $2.84 billion in revenue was generated from U.S. porn sites in 2006
* 72% of porn viewers are men (A 2001 Forrester Research Report had a slightly different number: 77% of online visitors to adult content sites are male. Their average age is 41 and they have an annual income of $60,000. 46% are married.)

To see other fascinating porn stats, click here: http://www.blazinggrace.org/cms/bg/pornstats

The numbers are clear. Even with the statistics, many men deny surfing porn. For the brave men that admit to surfing porn, there is little understanding and awareness around their use. So, why are the numbers so high?

According to a Kinsey Institute survey which asked “Why do you use porn?” respondents had this to say:
* 72% said they used porn to masturbate/for physical release.
* 69% – to sexually arouse themselves and/or others.
* 54% – out of curiosity.
* 43% – “because I can fantasize about things I would not necessarily want in real life.”
* 38% – to distract myself.

From my perspective, we have to ask two important questions:
1. Why does a man hide his porn use and then feel bad about it?
2. Why is he surfing porn in the first place?

To answer the first question we have to look at our culture. With so many messages from religion and conservative groups telling us that sex is bad and wrong, many people in our culture end up repressing their sexual aliveness. At the same time, the media and pop culture oversexualize everything. Watch any beer commercial or MTV video. It’s no wonder we are so confused about sex and sexuality. Repression + oversexualized imagery & messages = confused, disconnected shameful relationship to one’s own sexuality.

For example, in my work with men, at some point a man typically owns up to his porn use with me. And, almost without fail, he feels shame and guilt about it. Often he’s married or has a girlfriend and surfs porn quite a bit without ever owning up to it with his partner. Understandably, this sets up a difficult dynamic with himself and with his partner. Shame begets shame.

Think about it. What guy wants to admit that he doesn’t know how to manage the sexual life force raging through his body? Men get mixed messages about sex, and with all the conflicting information, and nowhere to go to sort it out, it can end up coming out sideways in the form of strip clubs, constantly objectifying women, porn use, hookers and much more.

To answer question number 2, we have to investigate two of the responses in the Kinsey report: ”for physical release” and “to distract myself.” What is a man “distracting himself” from and what is it that he is “releasing” aside from the obvious?

In my professional opinion, this is the number 1 reason so many boys and men surf porn:

Guys surf porn to “check out” or to “distract themselves” from certain uncomfortable feelings they are experiencing, period. Said another way, surfing porn is a symptom of some underlying discomfort a man is experiencing . It’s this simple.

Guys report feeling “off” inside and surfing porn becomes a way to “get rid of” (another way of saying “physical release”) the discomfort. It is very much like a quick high, a jolt of energy that feels great for a microsecond during orgasm. It works like a drug. It is a dopamine surge. If you have ever taken drugs or even use them in moderation, you know that getting high or having a drink can seem to “take the edge off” and for those fleeting moments, you feel better. Masturbation is no different.

But much like getting high or even taking a nap, reality has a way of creeping back in and, almost without fail, seconds after ejaculation shame and guilt set in as a guy attempts to hide his tracks and close his computer’s browser. One client recently told me when he feels anxious, he goes to porn, gets the job done and feels less anxious for a little while.

Since most guys surf porn between the 9-5 hours, one would think they are just “bored” at their desk job. However if you investigate further, it turns out most of these men are just not happy with themselves, their job, or their life. They have an uncomfortable feeling inside that they are unwilling to feel or relate to."

He goes on to suggest solutions for these "problems." Read the full post here.




My Response

Hi, Jayson.

I'm a graduate student in sociology doing research on feminist pornography, and I am very interested in how men use and think about porn. I appreciate you tackling this topic, but I have quite a few comments and questions about this post. (I apologize in advance for the tome this is certain to become!)

Generally, it seems like you're taking a very problem-centered approach to the topic. After reading your qualifications I realized that your experience involves treatment and counseling, not research. I would imagine you mostly hear from men who are having negative experiences with porn and/or intimacy, and come talk to you about how to overcome these problems. They mention their porn use to you as a therapy topic, and so it is no wonder issues of shame and trouble with partners are mentioned. I definitely applaud this effort, as I know people of all genders can have difficulties related to sexuality that should be addressed with therapy.

However, you should consider that this does not give you an accurate depiction of "most" men or even the average man. This is a self-selected group of men who have come to you with problems, and so it makes sense that you would start to see porn use as generally problematic for men. Without including data from random-sample surveys or qualitative studies including men who do not feel that porn is a problem for them, I question the validity of your conclusions and would ask you to consider re-framing your professional experience as that which primarily deals with self-identified "troubled" men. How might your conclusions change if you talk to men and women who lead active, healthy sex lives that involve pornography?

I would also challenge your premise that no one talks about porn and sexuality. People may not always discuss sex in a productive way, but as your blog and hundreds of others illustrate, people are definitely talking. You might read Foucault's History of Sexuality vol. 1 in which he discusses the repressive hypothesis; he argues that our culture actually proliferates discourse on sexuality, and if you look at virtually any modern medium (internet, TV, movies, magazines, books, journals, etc.) you will see that this is true-- porn has been a very hot topic of the last few decades, and has largely consumed feminist discourse with its ubiquity. You may be interested to know that there is actually a field of research dedicated to the scholarship of pornography. What do you think is lacking in the discourse about porn?

You state, "The porn industry itself condones the abuse of power men have over women..."

I believe this statement does something very dangerous: it homogenizes the porn industry under the blanket charge of patriarchy. I will not argue that historically the industry has not been dominated by this power dynamic, but I think it's important to contextualize this statement and provide specific examples. I would also encourage you to explore parts of the industry that directly challenge this dynamic, such as the Feminist Porn Awards (http://www.goodforher.com/Feminist_Porn_Awards.html).

As Chris commented above, women like Annie Sprinkle and Nina Hartley are feminist sex performers who encourage the use of porn as part of healthy sexual exploration for both men and women. Add to this list Tristan Taormino, Audacia Ray, Candida Royalle, Betty Dodson, Shine Louise Houston, and many many others. Also, check out Peggy and Tony Comstock's production company, which features real-life couples having sex in a documentary-style. The porn industry is complex and diverse, and it does a disservice to subsume these powerful, innovative, brilliant women (and men) who produce quality pornography under the umbrella of patriarchy. Perhaps the men who come to you with problems don't need to stop watching porn, they need to watch DIFFERENT porn.


You say further, "many porn sites have aggressive imagery..."

This is true, and there are many porn producers such as Rob Black & Lizzie Borden who have been sanctioned for showing aggressive imagery that goes too far, especially since consent was not transparent and reasonably established. However, I am wary of sweeping statements about "aggressive imagery," because many men and women find aggression in sexuality very erotic and empowering and I believe this can be done in a safe, sane way that enriches sexual experience. For examples, see www.kink.com, as well as Tristan Taormino's Rough Sex series and Penny Flame's Guide to Rough Sex.

Last, "...and what the industry teaches or trains us about our sexuality are all important issues that need to be addressed."

I completely agree with this statement! There are important issues that need to be addressed. I am just not sure that we share a clear picture about what the issues actually are or how to address them.


What do you think, readers? Any men want to weigh in on this?